Living and leaving a legacy....

This beautiful painting was done by my mother about 8 years ago. It is supposedly of St. Therese, but after having so many people ask if it was a self portrait, my sister and I have come to the conclusion that it is.

We had a memorial for Mom this past weekend. It was both sad and sweet. So many wonderful people from her life in the past few years were there. I had never met most of them. Even 4 nurses from her stay in the hospital this past year were there. The things they had to say only made me love and admire my mother more.

A friend of my sister's who is also dying from cancer right now stood and talked about legacy. My mother left a wonderful legacy. Her artistic ability lives on in my daughter and I hope myself. I am struggling to tap into it lately.

This morning I received my weekly email from Max Lucado. This week he talked about why we each have the uncanny ability to do certain things. For instance, I have always admired people who can play a musical instrument and sing like nobody's business. Or, when I read a good book, I admire an author who can make the words work so as to weave a story that is so captivating, I can't put the book down. How do they do it?

Max says "God. He knew young Israel would need a code, so he gave Moses a love for the law. He knew the doctrine of grace would need a fiery advocate, so he set Paul ablaze. And in your case, he knew what your generation would need and gave it. He designed you. And his design defines your destiny. Remember Peter’s admonition? “If anyone ministers, let him do it as with the ability which God supplies” (1 Pet. 4:11)."

So, my question this week is what exactly God designed me to do? I know I am here to be a wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter, but I also know I was made to be creative. I pray that he will help me find the time to do this and to minister to other's hearts through my talents. I hope he will open my eyes to show me how to organize my time better so that I may continue to uphold my responsibilities but also to follow my dreams. I want to leave behind a legacy my daughters would be proud of.

God is working in you to help you want to do and be able to do what pleases him.

Philippians 2:13 NCV

A great parable...

This was passed on to me in an email from a friend. It is the parable of the egg, carrot and coffee bean. I am unsure who wrote it...

A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee...You will never look at a

cup of coffee the same way again.

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life
and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was
going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting
and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one
arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots
with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to
boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed
eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans . She let
them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She
fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the
eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee
out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked,

"Tell me what you see."

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the
carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then
asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off
the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.

Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The
daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then
asked, "What does it mean, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the
same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The
carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after
being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became
weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had
protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the
boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee
beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling
water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity
knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg
or a coffee bean?"

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong,
but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my
strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes
with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a
breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become
hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the
inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened
heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the
hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the
water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are
like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and
change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and
trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another
level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or
a coffee bean?

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of
everything; they just make the most of everything that comes
along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a
forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of
your past failures and heartaches.

After this year, I would like to think I am a coffee bean. Time will tell...

What about you? Are you a carrot, egg or coffee bean?

Blessings...

One friend calls them kisses, one calls them blue flowers (great story to go along with this one). Doesn't matter what you call them they are the little signs from God that He is watching over us.

Earlier this week, my mother's best friend of 33 years called me. She visited my Mom just 3 weeks before she passed. Her name is Susan. Susan told me that my Mom told her she only had 2 wishes before she died. One was to see my father one last time. (They have been divorced for about 5 years.) The other was to see her 3 kids together one last time, which she also added that she was sure she would not see this wish come true.

The day after Susan left, my Daddy arrived (wish #1 come true). He spent about 5 days with my Mom. They talked and were able to resolve a lot. In the end there was only sweet, sweet love between them. While Daddy was there, my brother in law gave my sister 2 dozen red roses for their anniversary. My Dad cut one and took it in a small vase with some water in to my Mom. Two weeks later I was visiting and the rose was still there in perfect condition. My sister's bouquets had long since wilted as well as an arrangement I had sent my Mom earlier in the week. The day my Mom passed, the rose was still in almost pristine condition - a true testiment to love. When the mortuary took my Mom, my sister laid the rose on her chest. A kiss, a blue flower, a blessing from God.

I arrived at my Mom's bedside 5 days before she passed. The day after I arrived wish #2 came true. My brother was at a funeral service in Vegas. Something in the service struck a chord with him and he told his wife he thought he needed to see Mom. They were already half way to Phoenix and without an overnight bag they showed up at my sister's. I told him we had been waiting for our missing link to arrive, but didn't want to pressure him. Words cannot express how wonderful it was to see my Mama's beautiful smile as her 3 grown children stood at the foot of her bed. A kiss, a blue flower, a blessing from God.

In the midst of all the heartache. These blessings are what I cling to. God has been here all along watching over us. I take great comfort in that! :)

It's Okay...

Of course this has been a very rough week. I knew I would miss Mom, but didn't know my heart could hurt so much. Before she passed, I talked to her almost everyday. Even though she lived 2 states away, she was still with me. I find myself wanting to call her and tell her something several times a day.

I have been very comforted by the words of my friends and family this week and I also find great comfort in my little girls and husband. I especially love sharing memories of Mama. And there are some great ones. Like the time my 50something mother beat my very competitive husband in laser tag of all things. That one makes us really laugh. Or a friend of mine from the 5th grade said she remembers my Mom doing her hair. So sweet!

I am looking forward to the Celebration of Life service that we are having in honor of Mom in a couple of weeks. She had many friends in AZ that I didn't know and I can't wait to hear their memories of my sweet, beautiful mother.

Something else that really made me smile this week is my friend Aamie brought me a blank journal to write my memories of Mama in. I will be adding the memories of others also so that I can give this to my daughters and they will know how very special a woman their Nana was.

I am not ashamed to say that I occasionally see a Christian counselor who I consider more of a friend than a professional I pay money too. She cried with me this week. Such a sweet lady. When I left she gave me a verse she found after her mother passed 10 years ago...

Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints. ~ Psalm 116:15

Dear Sweet Mama...

For what is it to die

but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?

And what is it to cease breathing,

but to free the breath from its restless tides,

that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?

Only when you drink from the river of silence

shall you indeed sing.

And when you have reached the mountain top,

then you shall begin to climb.

And when the earth shall claim your limbs,

then you shall surely dance.

~Kahlil Gibran

Rest in sweet peace in the company of angels Mama.

I will surely miss your beautiful, sweet smile
and I will carry you with me in my heart forever.

I love you.

♥

Surrender..

I am in Arizona now. The weather is gorgeous. We slept with the windows open last night.

On the plane ride on the way here last night. I was able to view God's amazing creation. We passed over the cold front that is headed for Houston today. So majestic watching big thunder clouds illuminated with lightning from above. Definitely not something you get the chance to see everyday and of course this "weather girl" absolutely loved it.

My Mama chose to stop her feeding source on Wednesday which has enabled her to get more comfort. She weakens by the moment and her grace and beauty in her surrender amaze me. I am sad, but I see God's hand moving and I lean on the fact he is holding us close at this time.

Hold your loved ones close, let go of the lies that the enemy wants us to believe, forgive. In the end ther is only love. Time is a precious gift from God... don't squander it.

I so appreciate the continued prayers of friends and family.

Just breathe...

It is time to really settle in and just breathe. I am going to visit my Mom tonight and coming back on Sunday. This will probably be our last visit. Please pay for Mom and my family.

Thank you Aamie for sending me this quote today...

A Christian is a person who, when getting to the end of his/her rope, ties a knot and determines to hang on, realizing that human extremity now becomes God's opportunity. -Unknown

Let God's grace see us all through these times.